Birthday Bummed

UPDATE:

Alok replies - http://alokdamodarn.blogspot.com/

Preface

“If you’re famous, everything you say becomes a famous quote” – Me

“You know what my New Year’s resolution is? 1024 x 768.” – Shvetank

“You forgot my birthday.” – Alok

Stop. Rewind. Play.

“You forgot my birthday.” - Alok

Stop. Look at calender. 28th January, 2006.

*Huh? It’s just turned 28th. I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN!!!*

Slap myself on the forehead.

“Shit. I’m a fucking idiot.” – Me

Chapter 1

28th January is the birthday of one of my dearest, closest, most valuable friends. And I totally messed up. Of course, I didn’t forget his birthday. That’s impossible. What I forgot was the fucking time difference. Especially since he just moved to Malaysia last week. That’s 14 hours.

I wake on 28th morning and see a message on my cellphone. It reads, “I was waiting for the past 24 hours. You forgot my birthday. But hope you’re okay.” Because it is indeed true that since 7th grade (and that’s how long I’ve known him), I’ve been the first one to wish him on his birthday. At the stroke of midnight (usually), I call him up to wish him. He turned 21 yesterday. And what did I do? I fucking screwed up.

In my defense though, I didn’t have his phone number. He just moved to Malaysia. So I don’t think he has one yet. But I was planning on sending him an e-card, as much as I didn’t want to. I wanted to talk to him. Anyway, before I could even send him a card, or write him an email, I read this message first thing on 28th morning. And I’m upset. Majorly upset. Because I did screw up. And after I read the message, I didn’t feel like sending him that card anymore. I had to do something more to make up. So, I’m doing what I believe I do best when I feel like an idiot. I write.

Chapter 2

Alok was probably my first indication to me that I swing the heterosexual way. Not that I knew any better at that age. But I knew I was smitten. He was the cutest, cuddliest thing I’d ever seen. And if my description of him sounds like I may be talking about a teddy bear, it’s because I am. He’s as adorable as a teddy bear. I spent all of grade 7 being delighted by the fact that I was good friends with the cutest guy ever.

In grade 8, I’d confessed to two of my friends, M and S that I thought Alok was cute. M and S being guys, and stupid, went and told Alok. Then, they came and told me that they told him. I immediately began to cry. “Now Alok’s never going to talk to me”, I think to myself. “He’ll avoid me, and ignore me”. A few minutes later, Alok’s at my desk. I’m horrified now. “Don’t cry. It’s okay. I don’t mind.” That’s what he said, or something to that effect. I was wailing, so I can’t be sure. But I couldn’t have been more relieved. First of all, he was talking to me. And secondly, there is no secondly. Who cares about anything else? He was talking to me! TALKING! Woohoo! And for some weird reason, we became the best of friends since then. I think it was because of the way he came to console me. At that age, boys are at their stupidest, to say the least. Look at what M and S did! But the way Alok knelt down next to me and smiled at me reassuringly, I was really impressed. Of course, I was. It took me about a year to get over the fact that he’d never like me in “that” way. But it was only in the coming years that I would realize what I had gained instead.

Grade 11. We were rudely separated by education. I chose Science and he chose Commerce. What was even ruder though was the way I ignored him. I’d been elected as Head Girl. I had new classmates, a new set of friends. In all the hullabaloo, I completely ignored Alok. In short, I became a bitch. But he didn’t stop caring.

It’s only after we’ve gone our ways after school that I’ve realized how much he truly means to me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, they say. You bet it does. I miss him to death. He is only guy whom I can walk down the darkest alley with and feel absolutely safe. Because nothing scares him. Or at least, he does a damn good job of pretending nothing does. He’s been through hell in his life. From crazy fathers of crazy girlfriends threatening him to being mugged and beaten up on the streets by crazy street thugs, he’s been through it all. I think he’s seen all objects that can be used as a weapon far more closely than most people our age have. And it’s not that he’s gotten himself into these situations. Somehow, they find him. It’s like he’s always at the wrong place at the wrong time. But he says it’s all made him stronger. He could have just quit when things were going wrong. But he always stuck it out. And I admire him for that.

I’ve always admired him for his guts. I remember back in school, he was always the rebel student. In grade 7, our Science teacher, Mr. Kaul, beat up one of his friends such that his nose started bleeding. Alok walked right out of class with his friend and to the Vice Principal to complain against the teacher. In grade 9, we had this crazy Math teacher, Mr. Joseph, who loved to hit students with a ruler. He broke many a ruler doing that. Once he chose Alok to be his victim. As Mr. Joseph brought the ruler down to hit him, Alok put his hand out and caught hold of the ruler and said, “Don’t you dare. My own dad has never raised his hand on me. I’m not going to let you.” I remember that incident to this day. Because I remember thinking, “Daaaaymn!!! What a guy!” Sigh.

What more can I say? Alok's been a crush, a friend, a bodyguard. But above all, he's been part of the best days of my life. And I couldn't ask for anything more.

Epilogue

Writing this post has flood my head with so many beautiful memories that I think I’m going to cry. Alok, saying that you’ve been a great friend would be a gross understatement. You have always been there for me. Always. I can be sure that I will never find friends like you in my life. And maybe that’s why I’ve stopped looking for new friends. Because with a friend like you, who needs more? You’ve been a true friend in every respect of the word. And I’m sorry. I honestly did not forget your birthday. In fact, when you called me last week, before you left for Malaysia, that’s why I kept on telling you to give me your number. Because I wanted to call you and wish you just like always. It’s bad enough that I couldn’t do that, and I go ahead and mess it up big time. Happy 21st birthday, dear. I wish I were there with you, so we could have fun in “the land of rats”. Eww. I love you and I miss you. And I want you to know that I can never ever forget your birthday. Not in a million years. And I know you believe me when I say that. Anyway, I’m glad I didn’t, because I got to dedicate this post to you and I think it says much more than any e-card in the world would have. I hope that fate is done screwing you over and from now on brings you only happiness and good luck. Because it’s about time you got your share of good fortune. Muah.

P.S. – Give me your number if you’ve got one.
P.P.S. – Call me if you don’t have one.

Well, we just clicked!

Friend 1 (the too-nice-to-say-anything friend): Uhmmmm.....

Friend 2 (the couldn’t-care-less-about-what-I-say friend): ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?????

Friend 3 (the I’ll-lie-to-be-nice friend): That’s nice. *I think she needs psychiatric help*

Friend 4 (the I-was-born-with-rose-coloured-glasses friend): That is sooooooooooo sweeeeeeeeeeeet.

Friend 5 (the practical friend): You might want to give this a little thought before you jump to any conclusions.

Friend 6 (the lighten-up-an-awkward-situation-by-laughing-out-loud friend): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You’re funny.

Friend 7 (the bitch-who’s-always-thinking-bad-stuff-about-you friend): *Oh my God. She is SO desperate*

So. I’m thinking that these are some of the few responses I would get if I were to ever tell my friends that I had fallen in love with someone over the Internet. And probably this is how some of you would respond too, if your friend was to tell you that. However, I do not know or understand why.

This is how I see it. You can never really know anybody. You can live with someone for 15 years and still not know him. You can be lied to, sweet-talked to and cheated on, even when you’ve met that somebody in person. So, what’s so different about e-love?

Yes, distance is a major concern. So, if you’re a 25 year old guy in Moscow, Russia who has a low paying job that cannot even afford you a ticket to Stalingrad, Russia, then you might want to rethink falling in love with that girl in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Though if you’re the optimistic kind, don’t let a mere couple of thousand dollars and a possible language conflict stop you!!! But what I’m trying to say is, if there is a possibility for the two people involved to meet sometime, then why not?

I think the Internet is a great way to meet people, especially a potential love interest. It’s so much easier to talk to someone online. You don’t feel shy. Nor do you feel “rejected” if someone doesn’t talk to you. You get an opportunity to think before you type, and hence avoid saying something stupid (though this doesn’t work all the time.) And if you think things aren’t going as planned, then a simple click on the ‘block’ button works wonders.

Personally, I’m absolutely open to the idea of possibly finding my mate online. What are the odds that I’m going to find my Mr. Right in my physical environment? So far, he hasn’t been in the cities I’ve lived in – either in Oman, Canada or India. Not that I’ve been looking all this while. (Okay, maybe I have.) But why should I limit my possibilities, when the possibilities are endless? I’m not saying that I'm going to go on a quest to find my perfect man online. But if it so happens that I do find him in cyberspace, then I’m not going to stop myself from pursuing it. I don’t see why I should.

In fact, I think relationships made online can sometimes be more real. If I like someone online, it must mean that I like him for who he is, at least to some extent. Maybe I’ve seen a picture or two, and I think he’s terribly cute. But how long am I going to just keep talking to a cute person if he has no personality AND I’m not getting any??? Jokes apart, I think it’s a great way to really get to know somebody without letting the whole “physical” aspect getting in the way. Not that getting physical is a bad thing. Oh no, it’s not. But I think couples these days find it easier to jump into bed together than have a decent conversation over a cup of coffee. Yeah, sometimes the smell of coffee distracts me too. But I’m hoping you get my point.

Of course, there are creeps on the Internet. Just as there are creeps in the real world. So, just use your brains. Face it. If you are naïve enough to fall for everything someone says online, then chances are that you will also fall for everything someone says to you in person. Aah. Body language, you say. So, when I meet someone in person, it would probably be easier for me to pick up signs that show he’s lying or he’s creepy. But I know girls who put up with their boyfriends’ swearing and sometimes, even hitting, for months on end; and that’s a hell of a lot of body language happening there!

What I'm trying to say is that there is no valid reason why healthy relationships can’t begin online. And so, I’m keeping my options open. Maybe that’s because I’m so ugly that no one will ever fall for me in person. Or maybe that’s because I’m not going to settle for second best just because ‘the one’ lives in a different time zone. It’s like saying that you’re only going to date men taller than 5 feet 10 inches. And then Tom cruises by. What are you going to do then? (Just for the record, I can’t stand Mr. Cruise, but apparently, he’s a hit with the ladies… oops… girls.)

The only obstacle I see could probably be of cross-continental proportions. But I love to travel. And what better way to do so than to find someone who will most gladly finance it for me?!?

Tin-tin-tin-tin. (In the Britannia biscuits tune - just because I said so.)

Coming up next:

"From e-love to e-lope."
Real stories. Real people. Virtually true.
Don't miss it. Only on VTV.

Think you did farely well? Let's see how you faired, shall we?

Gosh. I love this language :D

Anyway, here are the answers:

1. I accept all vegetables, except peas.
(Please tell me that it is humanly impossible to get this one wrong. Please.)

2. Assure.
(Assure means "to guarantee." Ensure means "to make sure." Insure means "to protect against loss or damage.")

3. Enormousness.
(GC, Yoyo - I AM impressed! Evidently, enormity means "exteme evil". Why? I do not know. )

4. I could of eaten a whole pizza.
(If you got this one wrong, I hope it's only because you read the question wrong!!!)

5. One is a noun and one is an adjective.
(I actually learnt something from this quiz - Everyday, with no space between the words, means "ordinary." It works as an adjective. When working as the answer to the question "when," every day is a noun. When do you wear your everyday clothes? Every day.)

6. Baited.
(Yuck. What have you been putting in your mouth?)

7. It’s easy to write on stationery that’s stationary.
(I think it was back in the 5th grade when the difference between these 2 words, and between principle and principal was DRILLED into my head!)

8. Pedal to the metal.
(Actually, there's a song by this name in the soundtrack for the movie 'The Italian Job'.)

9. Pore.
(I remember worrying more about the pores on my face during the pimple phase. Egad!)

10. Imminent.
(But these days, with so many people talking about the end of the world, I guess the end could be eminent too. Okay, bad joke.)

Congratulations, Gautam!! You scored a 9/10. So... ahem...

P.S. - This quiz was created by MSN Encarta columnist, Martha Brockenbrough.

Don't make me loose my tamper!

For the shrewd (or in other words, those good at English), you would have noticed that the title contains 2 mistakes - the very very common "write-it as it sounds" mistake, and a malapropism. The first mistake is with the word 'loose' which should have been 'lose', just like how since time immemorial, people have been writing 'their' as 'there' or 'you're' as 'your'. The second error is with the word 'tamper' which should have been 'temper'. This is a case of classic malapropism where two words sound quite alike and are hence mistaken to be the other. In fact, 'loose' and 'lose' could be malapropisms too though hopefully people know the meanings to both words. Anyway, all this grammar talk is because I've always been fascinated with the English language. Anyone who has a good command over the language impresses me to no end. Forget French or Spanish or Latin. Speak to me in proper English, and I'll be bowled over! Well, I've got an interesting quiz and I want to see how many of my readers can bowl me over. No cheating please (by which I essentially mean 'No Googling'!) Answers will be put up later with due credit to the creator of the quiz. So go on. Impress me!

1. Which sentence is correct?
a) I like all vegetables accept peas.
b) I accept all vegetables, except peas.
c) I except all vegetables, accept peas.

2. Which word means "to guarantee"?
a) Insure
b) Ensure
c) Assure

3. Which word means "great size"?
a) Enormity
b) Enormousness
c) Both

4. Which sentence is not correct?
a) I could of eaten a whole pizza.
b) I could've eaten a whole pizza.
c) I could have eaten a whole pizza.

5. What's the difference between every day and everyday?
a) Nothing (except an extra tap on the space bar)
b) One is a noun and one is an adjective
c) One is American English and one is British English

6. Which kind of breath is worse?
a) Bated
b) Baited

7. Which is correct?
a) It's easy to write on stationary that's stationary.
b) It's easy to write on stationery that's stationary.
c) It's easy to write on stationary that's stationery.

8. Which is right?
a) Petal to the mettle
b) Peddle to the metal
c) Peddle to the medal
d) Pedal to the metal

9. Which one means "to study"?
a) Poor
b) Pour
c) Pore

10. Is the end imminent or eminent?
a) Imminent
b) Eminent

Happy Birthday, Climate Maker!

Today is the birthday of one of the funniest guys I know. Every single word that comes out of his mouth has me in splits. He can make the description of a wall sound funny!!!

A month or two ago, he was preparing for his GRE, and he came up with this:
"GRE words
are long and hard
just like my manhood."
Hehehe. It cracks me up to this day. No. All his humour is not lewd.

He has a blog. I recommend everyone read at least every post in it, which shouldn't be too much of a task since his lazy ass updates his blog by this equation - ( 1.5 * 1/3) * 12 bpm. Believe me, I'm not making that up. He says bpm stands for "blogs per month." (And even that's a lie!)

Anyway, to give you a taste of what he's like, here's a post from his blog; if I'm not wrong, I believe it's his favourite. And if you like what you read, check out the links to some of his other posts I'm putting up here. I haven't taken his permission but I'm allowed to do things like that ;)

Oh, and before I forget, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AJITH!!! Thanks for all the times you've made me laugh so hard that my gall bladder hurt. When I grow old, I know whom to credit all the laugh lines on my face to! I do hope you write a book some day. I'll buy it, I promise!!! Jokes apart (Hee hee. Okay, I'm losing it now.), you're an awesome person, and not just because you make people laugh :) I wish I'd taken advantage of the situation when I was around. *snicker all you like, you stupid lemon-eaters* (Don't even bother trying to figure that one out.) Hope our paths cross again real soon. My funny bone can't wait to meet you again! *love and hugs*

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Sit down. Buckle up. Now read.

I'm a frikkin villager at heart.

Yesterday was really fun. We went to this little uppity restaurant in Champaign called The Olive Garden where they have fancy mood lighting, waitresses who re hot in the classy and super confident and charming and not slutty kinda way. We got a particularly purty waitress called Kathy for our table and right away, my heart was smitten.

So she comes up to our table and says…”Hi I’m Kathy…and I ll be ur ‘server’ for tonite.” Computer geek me….I promptly went purple in the face with imploding snickers at the phrase ‘Ill be ur server’….but yikes…that wasn’t a classy thing to do. I quickly rearranged my face and became sober again. Now I just HAD to prove my class to Kathy…which would make her fall for me over the five other guys at the table of six. I looked at her pretty face…professional notepad for taking orders….her bowtie…. AHA!! I had to have a bowtie. As luck would have it, I was wearing a sweatshirt. So while she went around the table getting orders for the drinks…I furiously fashioned a bowtie with the drawstrings of my sweatshirt’s hood.

And then, she looked at me and said…”And you sir? What would you like to drink?” WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO she called me Sir…hmm...I think she liked me. I disdainfully looked at the wine list wishing I d read it instead of fashioning my bowtie. The drink HAD to be classy….and all I could think of was a soda. How do u make a soda classy?

I looked her in the eye…ostentatiously fingered my bow tie and said …”I think I ll have the Soda tonite.’ She flashed me her special classy-charming-confident-non-slutty grin and my heart skipped a beat. Maybe I should have referred to my drink as 'So ala da'. She left the table to get our drinks…and suddenly, I was calm again. No performance anxiety.

Instead, my attention shifted to the basket of complimentary bread sticks on the table. Seven breadsticks…six people. The task at hand was well defined. I’d have to extricate the seventh breadstick without appearing hungry and villagerly. But now, I was not performance anxious…Kathy was gone and I was thinking clearly again.

I started reciting a ‘priest rabbi and engineering student go to a bar’ joke and coolly used three breadsticks as props to represent the three people in my joke. When the joke was done, I casually dropped the rabbi, the priest and the engineering student into my plate. MUAHAHAHAHAH….not only had I got the seventh breadstick….I had EVEN stiffed the last guy at the table of his breadstick. The bread basket went around…and the guy who didn’t get one looked around embarrassedly as his stomach rumbled.

I ordered a ‘chicken marsela’ when Kathy came around again because I felt there was this certain’je ne sais quoi’ about the word marsela. I was hoping Kathy would think I knew what marsela meant because I smiled knowingly as I enunciated the word murSELLaaah.

But horrors of horrors. From there on in, some other dude started serving us. Kathy had been rudely removed from my life. Stupid dumbass male waiter. I ll bet he had his finger in my marsela. Ugh….made me sick. I felt like Devdas.

I ate my chicken marsela in stony silence occasionally making ‘mmm….tasty’ noises at the guy who was treating. But even as I smiled to the outside world….my heart was bleeding. My chicken marsella was no longer ‘fine slices of tender chicken served with a tangy Italian sauce with fresh tossed peppers and garden mushrooms’ as Kathy had described it to me. It was just ‘some chicken and vegetables I couldn’t care for.’

I was downing my sorrow by getting drunk on several glasses of my So-ala-da. Sigh…it was the last thing I had that Kathy had given to me. As we walked out of the restaurant, I looked hither and thither for signs of her…but she was gone.

‘The greatest thing in life is to love and be loved in return.’

I had nothing to look forward to now. We stood outside waiting for the bus on the interstate. I tried to hide my emotions by taking pictures of cars speeding down the interstate with my camera. Poor bastards probably got their respective bejeezuses freaked outta them when they saw a flashing camera behind their car.

But bah!...I d have to sleep this one off… and make a solemn vow to myself never to get emotionally attached to ‘pretty servers.’

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Oh, what the hell. Here's another classic -

Crisis on Valentine’s eve…My CS225 Programming Assignment don’t love me anymore.

I agree, it was my fault. I hurt you by sending you away on an infinite loop. But I was angry. And disillusioned.

Your once full and enticing indentations are now sagging and yet reminiscent of the millions of spacebars I had injected into you to get you perfectly aligned like those programs on Baywatch. U loved me when I footed the bill…

It was always the little things, wasn’t it? Those little comment statements with clever little remarks about what each part of your body did….now lie dead and un-laughed-at…like a jokebook read too many times.

Why have you forgotten the times we spent together? Thru thick and thin…the late nights…the sanitizing handwash I used so that the missus didn’t smell keyboard on my fingers after our intense groping sessions.

Is it just me? U seem to be happier in the company of Chinese CS majors now. Come on baby, lets try it one more time. Lets do our moves…and break through the earthly barriers of segmentation errors and erupt in a thunderous and simultaneous climax of perfect compilation.

Don’t walk out on me you frigid bitch. You infidel. Time is not on our side. You’re due tonite at 5:00pm….come on…once more, for old times sake…

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And these are the other gems:

• Bombay from the Eyes of a Bloody Firang Guy
• On Pulling off a Programming Internship with Very Little Know How but a Lot of Panache
• PMSing Myself to Death.
• Yeah, Would you stay on the line a second?
• Toystory 3
• About an Ad.
• Of Pickles, Masala powders and a Semester in an Apartment.
• You have reached the end of the net....hit back now.

Enjoy!

Speechless!

Look what Santa dropped in my comment box:

For those of you who were wondering if the love between Vidya and I was reciprocated or not...here's a little surprise for you :)

- Aabha (http://faabhalicious.blogspot.com/)