Warning: The following WILL be offensive to some people

As much as it breaks my heart to have to move on from my previous post, if I've learnt one thing in my lifetime, it is the fact that life goes on.

Anyway, I don't know how many of you have ever listened to a song and then wondered what it means. I have. I wonder what the writer was thinking about when he wrote the song. And I wonder if most of us interpret the song in the way the writer meant for it to be interpreted.

Fortunately, I found Darryl and Jerry, and I need wonder no more.

(Click on the song titles to view lyrics)

1. Elton John - Don't let the sun go down on me

D: It always amazes me how often people can sing along with a song and never have any idea what they're singing. What we have here is the cry of an obsessive stalker. You get the feeling that there will be at least one violent death before this is all resolved. And yet people sing along thinking this is just another love song.

J: This song definitely starts out with a cold detachedness that sends a chill to my bone. I'd like to say that I'm a huge fan of Elton John's abilities as a pianist but this song both disgusts and worries me. I think this song is all about his initial denial that he wanted to play on the other team as it were. I'm fairly certain this song is also about his guilt of seducing young men!

D: Jerry, I think you're thinking of Michael Jackson. Yes, Elton has been confused over his life, but I don't think he ever got THAT confused. Furthermore, the song was actually written by Bernie Taupin, although Elton, as the singer, is taking responsibility for the protagonist role. In the song Elton has focused so much on this other individual -- we'll call this person "Pat" for brevity's sake -- that his entire life revolves around Pat. Yet he thinks of himself as a hero, lighting Pat's darkness. In fact, he seems undecided wether Pat is a sun or a black hole.

J: I think it is rather clear that though he has the cover of the lyrics saying 'sun', he is in reality saying, 'son'. Read this way, the song makes so much sense. Obviously he couldn't say the lyrics are, "Don't let your son go down on me.", but it does not mean the artist didn't intend it that way. Even if the original writer was not Elton (which I have not verified and am openly doubt the truth in it because you are a chronic lying bastard), it's obvious that he added his own special flair to the song. This song is most definitely him knowing he will go straight to hell for letting this person's son (possibly his own if he has one) go down on him. Perhaps it is a warning for other people? I'm not sure but I am sure the intent of the song is to be heard as 'son' and not 'sun'!

D: You know, for a brief moment I thought that maybe you were going to take a more intellectual slant on the song and interpret it as a cry to Jesus, the definitive Son. What was I thinking? You're not about to pass up such an opportune chance to delve into pedophilia. Well, maybe it's not so opportune, but with a little twisting here and some flagrant misinterpretations there, Voila! The perfect pedophiliac song. You disgust me.

J: Oh, I'm sorry that I don't have the flare of making up a movie that doesn't exist or something like that. I'm simply saying that there is a very good possibility that this song was meant to be heard this way. I don't condone it but I seriously don't think he's singing about Jesus. Or is that your thing? You want him to be singing about Jesus going down on him?!

D: I'm not even going to respond to that, you sick, perverted bastard. May you rot in hell for eternity. Anyway, if I can get back to the song. Elton is obviously taking two opposing points view here. First, he think he's the be all and end all, changing Pat's life and blinding himself with his own brilliance when Pat's not there to absorb it. On the other hand, Pat is the sun, the center of his universe. What worries me the most, however, is Elton's not-so-subtle hints of violence. He acknowledges that Pat expects him to be violent, but he tells Pat to expect the violence and embrace it. Then he ends the song by talking about his self-inflicted wounds. Personally, I'm surprised Bernie and Elton didn't both get hauled away in straight jackets after this song came out.

J: I do agree that if your interpretation holds any merit what so ever that Elton does put the B in subtle. But if artists were held accountable for what they sang, Sting would be in jail for stalking people with his little ditty 'Every Breath You Take' and Weird Al would be in jail for torturing rats with a hacksaw and pulling the wings off of flies. Here I am worried about a sex offender out on the streets and you think Elton is going to hurt his 'life mate' or something. Who really has their heart in the right place?

D: Actually, there's no evidence that Pat has any sort of relationship with Elton at all other than knowing him. At least Glenn Close's "Fatal Attraction" was based on a heated relationship. Elton seems to have more of a John Hinckley kind of obsession. That can do at least as much damage as the priestly desires you're obsessing over.

J: All I'm saying is at least my interpretation is based on known facts and educated guesses. Yours is based on nothing but some thriller murder novel type story.

D: Known facts, huh? Elton, if you're going to sue for libel, please note that Jerry is the one saying you are a known pedophile. I think you're nothing more than a psychotic stalker.

J: Damn it Darryl! Who has been sitting at my keyboard?! Remember what happened last time you let someone pretend to be me?! To get out of that lawsuit I had to tattoo a picture of John Mellencamp on my ass! If you don't stop this tomfoolery I friggin' quit!

D - Summary: Gotcha!

2. Harry Belafonte - Banana Boat Song

D: Okay. This one's a no-brainer. The guy's working all night loading bananas and he can't wait to get off work. End of story.

J: My ass it's a no brainer! This song most definitely has something to do with porn. I believe the term is fluffer.

D: WHAT!?!? Okay, I can't wait to hear this one.

J: Well, the fluffer part is all summed up in the comment "Come, Mister tally man, tally me banana." Only a child would think they are talking about fruit.

D: Apparently this porn experience isn't a good one? After all, he keeps saying he wants to go home. And what in Hades does "fluffer" mean?

J: Apparently you've never heard of continued vasocongestion of the testicles also, not so lovingly, known as "Blue Balls". Being a porn star is a lot of hard work! As for "fluffer" my naive friend, a fluffer's job in the porn industry is to keep the porn star's manhood erect between scenes.

D: Aahhhh. I hate to say that I have actually heard of a fluffer. I don't know if I ever knew the technical term, however, oh porn guru. I know I'm going to regret this, but what do you suppose is the meaning of, "Lift six foot, seven foot, eight foot bunch"? And what unspeakable act does the black tarantula indicate?

J: I actually had made a slight mistake in my syntax earlier. When I said being a porn star was hard work I actually meant being in the porn industry is hard work. It's extraordinarily hard work if you are a fluffer which is the basis of this whole song. Let me break it down for you so you can understand. This fluffer has been working all day doing what he does. He has to drink to blur out the fact that his life is disgusting but this night he only had one drink of rum which isn't quite enough to make him able to ignore what he is doing. He has three guys he has to simultaneously fluff, so he lines them up by size. When I mean size I mean height, not the length of their third leg. This IS porn, but eight feet, I think not... Anyway, he goes down the row of guys, fluffs and starts over, the whole time wanting to go home. The Tarantula and Black Widow are two of the most common tattoos for male porn stars and it disturbs the fluffer quite a bit, hence him trying to hide it. Does that clear it up for you?

D: Wow. I never knew. I understand this song so much better now. NOT!!! You're a sick puppy, Jerry! Get some mental help before it's too late!!

J: You are one of those people that sticks your hand on a hot stove burner and fails to learn that you shouldn't stick your hand on a hot stove burner. When will you realize that I am always right, especially when it comes to porn! I can sense a porn reference from a mile away, and this entire song is a huge porn reference!

D: I'm awfully glad I didn't know your feelings about this song when I saw Harry Belafonte sing it with the Muppets. When he looked at Kermit and Fozzie and sang about a "Beautiful bunch of ripe bananas" I would have been ill.

J - Summary: THAT SICK BASTARD!!!

3. Kelis - Milkshake

J: Darryl, the obvious initial impression one would get from this song is, "WHAT THE HELL?!" followed by, "Oh, this must be a sexual reference.." This song is far far deeper than that. This song, is about business. It is about marketing, secrets of the trade, and good business conduct. Kelis is using a Milkshake recipe as an example. Everyone wants her Milkshake, but it's her secret recipe. If she were to give it away she would shatter the market and lose her customers to the lowest price. She's demonstrating the inverse relationship between Supply and Demand. When it is only her supplying the "good" milkshake, the demand is high, and thus prices can be higher because there are no competitors. If others were to have her recipe, the supply would go up and the demand would go down, thus losing her customers and profit. She does bring up the idea of licensing though. Kelis obviously would not sell her rights to her recipe, that would just be stupid. She does talk about teaching others the recipe for a charge. I would have to assume that she will be selling it for an outrageous price to make up for the lost customers she will have in return. Generally I'd say she would be better to make a franchise, but this is her song, not mine.

D: Jerry, when I read your analysis I think, "WHAT THE HELL?!" followed by, "What kind of brain-addling drugs are you taking?" Anyone in their right mind can see that "Milkshake" is all about a world class slut who thinks she can do "the boys" better than her friend. This song is just filth put to a rhythm. If this song is even remotely about business, then it's about whoring. What's wrong with you, man?

J: What do you mean, what's wrong with me? It's not my fault if you can't follow along. This song is about business. Perhaps I see this and you don't because I spent 7 years as the CEO of Yvonne Ondler's Utility Servicing for Uma Craigmire the King's Aristocrat Surveillance Systems, or YOUSUCKASS for short. Even if I were to go with your nasty description conjured by a sick perverted deviant, you do admit that it could still be about her whoring her self out. I'm willing to bump it down to your level for just a second. Lets say she has a secret gyration that makes the boys go wild. Why would she give up her market share by showing other women how to do it. That would be insane. She would essentially be the "Queen of Nookie" if she was the only one that knew the gyration. This demonstrates the exact same Supply and Demand as a Milkshake would, but you had to make it all nasty. How DO you describe the term Milkshake in your interpretation anyway? Sick bastard.

D: If this is in fact about the "business" of whoring, then she's a pretty pathetic businesswoman. First she offers to sell her "secret gyration," although that's bumping it UP a level from Kelis's obvious meaning. By selling it, she is, in your words, giving up her market share. Then she decides not to sell it at all. She's just willing to let her friend learn her techniques by watching. Talk about sick. To sum it up, she's just a Stupid Whore!

J: Darryl, where is this anger coming from? Do YOU need medication like you always claim that I do? I believe when she's referring to someone learning her secrets by watching, she's refers to them as thieves. If someone were to steal her recipe by watching her make it, they would be violating her patent by making their own and thus get in trouble. They would be thieves. I would like to note to the public you did NOT answer my question as to what she means by milkshake in YOUR interpretation!

D: If the thief is the one watching, then why does she say, "Watch if you're smart"? Okay, I'll try to define milkshake for you while staying within our PG-13 guidelines. The human male has some milkish fluid that a female can usually "shake" out of him. Clear enough? And if someone were to steal her recipe by watching her make it, they would be violating a lot more than just her patent!

J - Summary: Oh.. Hmmm.. Umm.. Eeeeew! OH MY GOD! She IS just a stupid sick wretched filthy sexually deviant whore! You are too, Darryl, for understanding (and explaining) what she meant, however, I now see the light! Down side is, I'm gonna be rather creeped out and probably unable to sleep for at least a few days. I am also never going to be able to enjoy milk, or milkshakes ever again and probably die of osteoporosis. You are a bastard, and Kelis is a nasty whore.

For more hilarious song interpretations, visit www.songcrossfire.com.

Unfortunately, I know neither of them, and they're not paying me either.